rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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