Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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