I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
