i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
