so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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