you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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