there's paper in my vomit.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
