Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
