3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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