Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
