Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
