I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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