it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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