this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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