the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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