Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
