Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
