You work out of a Hotel?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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