I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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