i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
