Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
