I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
