i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
