whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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