he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
