Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
