Can i not drive my cunt home
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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