I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
