The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Randomize
