you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
