i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
