i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
