Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
