so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
