the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
