also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
