I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Randomize
