You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
this beer tastes like vomit already
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
