the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i think im in europe. pls send help
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
