he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
