I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
