Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
