If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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