I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
