I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
