Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
