do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
so let's talk penis.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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