If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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