I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
