I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Will you blow on my dice?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
