You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize