walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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