I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
