I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
