I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
