My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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