bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
