Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
